[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
The Weeknd is back
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.